Gary Chalk
Living Retired couples concur that a successful marriage is based on lasting love, true trust, and agreeing how to load the dishwasher.
“Jan. You did it again. You placed the knives and forks upside down. They’ll never come out clean.”
“And Gary, how many times have I told you not to put the dirty Tupperware containers in the top rack? They end up upside down filled with water, when I take them out the water splashes all over the dry dishes on the lower rack.”
Jan and I also can’t get our heads wrapped around pre-rinsing dirty dishes before we load them into the dishwasher. What I do know is our dishwasher begins with sparkling clean dishes! And still the silverware comes out with spots. How can that be?
Kitchen dishwashers became popularized on Leaver It To Beaver when Ward got a loan from Mr. Rutherford at the bank for a dishwasher for June. Otherwise, June would be too busy doing the dishes in the sink to change into her fancy dress and pearl necklace to serve Ward, Wally, and Beaver dinner every night. And you never saw June and Ward having a spat over pre-rinsing the dishes when Wally was out parking cars at the country club, and The Beaver was visiting Gus at the fire hall.
Back to the first world problem of kitchen dishwashers. Jan and I disagree on the best method to unload the dishes. I open the door and pull the bottom rack out. Then—when I get up from the floor after tripping over the open dishwasher door because my glasses were all steamed up—I remove the cutlery and place them in the drawer. Once the bottom rack is empty, I pull the top rack out and put away the glasses and stuff. Seems pretty straight forward to me. Jan takes a different approach…
She slides the rack out and begins to remove dishes, but they don’t make it to the cupboard. Instead, she sets them on the counter.
“Jan, why are you doing it that way? You’re introducing unnecessary steps.”
“Gary—the guy who can’t get his dirty dishes from the dinner table to the sink? Who uses a spoon to scrape the bottom of the roasting pan? Now you’re the expert emptying our dishwasher?”
Jan was on a roll…
“Gary, I appreciate you helping with the dishwasher. You put the dishes in. You press Start and an hour later you take them out. It is not worthy of a Nobel Peace Prize!”
When I load the dishwasher there is always a surprise when I unload. “Oh, look Jan! We have a piece of twisted driftwood you can display with your collection.” “Gary! Please tell me you didn’t put our new mahogany charcuterie board in the dishwasher!”
My sister, Dianne—I am using her real name because it is important for you intelligent dishwasher-savvy “Living Retired” readers to make sure she doesn’t put the dishes in your dishwasher at your next dinner party. One time Dianne squirted half a bottle of Dawn UltraClean liquid dishwashing soap in her dishwasher. She appeared from a cloud of billions of bubbles at her front door.
So, you see, dishwasher disasters run in the family.
“Living Retired” is written by humor columnist Gary Chalk.