Gary Chalk
Did you hear March 3 was National Hearing Day?
I said, DID YOU HEAR MARCH 3 WAS NATIONAL HEARING DAY?
If you are Living Retired, you likely have a hearing issue. That’s because hearing loss ranks up there with hobbling around on achy wobbly knees and dreading early onset toenail fungus!
The first sign your hearing is not what it used to be is when your spouse grumbles, “Did you hear what I just told you?” Followed quickly by, “DID YOU HEAR WHAT I JUST TOLD YOU?”
A telltale sign of hearing loss among men happens at house parties. Men stand at the kitchen island devouring the shrimp platter while they talk to the other guests—staring intently at each others’ lips when they speak. For some men, it is the first time they have raised their eyes up to look at women’s faces since their teenage years.
My wife Jan and I talk about getting our hearing tested. Unfortunately, we haven’t done anything but talk about it, which means one of us said it, and the other didn’t hear it.
Another indication you should check your hearing is when you and your spouse are talking with each other, but you don’t hear the exact words they said. Does this happen to you? This is what I mean…
Jan said, “Gary, I am taking a walk.”
“Honey, why are you baking a hawk? Is this another one of those wacko diets?”
The other night Jan said, “Gary, let’s do the dishes?”
“Jan, what are you talking about, ‘Mary, let’s chew the fishes?’”
“Gary, I didn’t say ‘Barry, let’s glue the fishes!’”
Yesterday I took my ears into my own hands. I concocted a do-it-yourself hearing test using a simple device found in many Living Retired men’s bathroom cabinet—NO, not nasal strips!
“Jan, I am going to the bathroom to check my hearing. JAN, I AM GOING TO THE BATHROOM TO CHECK MY HEARING!”
“Gary, you’re going to the vacuum to peck your earring?”
“Jan, I didn’t say, “I’m throwing in the bedroom to wreck my clearing! You do need to have your ears checked!”
I rummaged through the bathroom cabinet for my electric razor. This is a hairy idea but when I turned the razor on and held it up to my right ear. Bzzzzzzzzzz. Then, I switched and held the razor to my left ear. BZZZZZZZZZZ! The hair on my chinny chin chin proved I was suffering hearing loss in my right ear.
Now when Jan and I grocery shop, I push the cart so Jan speaks into my right ear—the bad one. When she says, “Gary, let’s get some tofu.” I don’t hear her. It’s the same in the snack food aisle, when she gives me an earful about eating too many chips, I don’t hear her.
The bottom line is if you enjoyed this Living Retired column, tell me to my face, to the left ear. The good one.
To receive Living Retired by humor columnist Gary Chalk each week, email [email protected].